Introduction
6:11 p.m. - Fighter jets fly across the top of the arena as the rain falls slowly over the Orlando sky. We are introduced to Grammy-award winner John Legend, wearing a pink shirt and shades, to sing America the Beautiful. Comments among us arise as to whether or not John Legend is the Steve Urkel of music, as he is a safe black man. Great rendition.
6:13 p.m. - Basic promo, as the superstars talk dramatically about immortality, stealing the show, and making the most out of every opportunity. There’s nothing like a pre-event montage.
Pyro
6:16 p.m. - The pyro looks stunningly normal in front of gray skies and outdoor settings. I don’t know if the rain will play a major role, but we’ll see.
John Bradshaw Layfield v. Fit Finlay - A Belfast Brawl
6:15ish:
Opinion Editor and proud wrestling enthusiast Neal Hebert here.
Entrances and video montages are setting the stage for what I expect to be a total massacre of stiff (i.e., not pulled) punches and physicality.
Here’s the thing I love about John Bradshaw Layfield (JBL hereafter) - his entire persona is a contemporary updating of Ronald Reagan’s public image.
Finlay comes out accompanied by a leprechaun.
And they’re off, absolutely beating the hell out of each other. You see, the paternity of the leprechaun is in question during the match - the leprechaun is supposed to be the son of WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, but JBL claims the leprechaun is actually Fit Finlay’s son.
Sorry for the backstory - in the interim both competitors have begun beating each other repeatedly with garbage cans, steel steps and the dreaded cookie sheet.
So we’ve been having computer problems, and for that I apologize. The leprechaun involved himself in the match, but to no noticeable effect.
Pretty spectacular visual - Fit Finlay dives out the ring in a plancha like superman, only to have JBL tee off on his head with a garbage can lid as he flies past. Then he threw the garbage can at the leprechaun.
This is so awesome.
And Finlay has recovered from this devastating turn of events because of the damage done to his leprechaun son.
And we’re experiencing technical difficulties. Thanks Cox Communications.
So I’ll just use this opportunity to go on about how much I like JBL. You see, I’m a big fan of wrestling’s potential for social commentary - and I think the JBL character is the best thing going in pro-wrestling right now. The stereotype of the average wrestling fan - whatever that means - is a rural conservative Southerner. So the idea of taking a bad guy like JBL and having him use conservative talking points as a way to make fans hate him is pretty impressive.
If you were to have told me a few years ago that the best way to get people to hate you in pro-wrestling would be to proudly proclaim “Morning has come to America!” I’d have called you a liar. If you’d have told me that using nativist and xenophobic rantings about immigration would be a way to get middle America to hate your guts, I’d have laughed.
But JBL did that to make crowds hate him, and it worked.
So what’s pretty cool is that you have a character that embodies the kind of thinking that so dominates mainstream political discourse, and crowds soundly reject him both as an individual and as a representative of the right. It’s always pretty cool to see someone so completely embody the zeitgeist of a particular cultural moment - and I think JBL is that character, and this is that moment.
Experiencing technical difficulties, people...
Still Neal Hebert.
So here’s the deal - I’m sitting on Skylar Gremillion’s couch with my metaphorical thumb up my metaphorical butt, wondering what happened to my rasslin’ show.
I’m pretty upset.
I’m thinking we as a University should take to the streets with torches, demanding my blue collar entertainment.
Because - honest injun - I’m doing this for all of you. And these Cox Communications issues make me feel like God is trying to keep me from giving all of you what I promised.
-neal
So while waiting for wrestling to come back on I just did the unthinkable…
…and incredibly pretentious act of googling myself.
For the record, the .pdf State of Louisiana v. Neal Hebert was not me. I did not serve as a cocaine mule.
More importantly, I’ve learned that several of the columns I wrote for The Daily Reveille were transmitted far and wide across www.land and I’m quite pleased.
The American Muslim linked to my column “Can we stop calling everything Islamofascist?” column as one of the best tools to combat anti-Muslim hatred and the loathesome Islamofascism Week.
The column I wrote about MTV’s “A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila” got pretty significant linkage as well, posted on loads of cool websites and looked to me to be one of the featured opinion pieces on University Wire that day. It was everywhere, seemingly.
Sadly, Tila didn’t myspace me.
-neal
On a related note...
…if you do a Google.com search for Caitlyn Scott, images of SG President Cassie Alsfeld appear. A Google search for Eric Freeman reveals a Salsa dancing instructor.
Hilarity has ensued as Skylar talks to Cox Communications employees about the problem we’re having. He assumed the employee could spell “Gremillion” without prompting. When asked what the problem is with our television and what we’re seeing on TV, Skylar simply says “Blackness.”
It’s a propos, because that is all we see. But more importantly, it’s an apt description of my metaphorical heart.
My heart has been raped. Raped by lack of wrestling.
-neal
Here's the deal:
Neal Hebert here.
We’ve had to move locations to keep this going.
So we’re at my apartment. But I don’t have wireless, so all our laptops are gone.
We’re saving the liveblogs to a flashdrive and porting it to my desktop (that was new in 2001).
Please forgive any delays - we’re doing our best, here.
Ric Flair v. Shawn Michaels - Career Threatening Match
Kane won the ECW title in three seconds.
Why oh why is Raven Symone on Wrestlemania? Oh, she’s introducing a bunch of Tard kids. Dreams come true for the mentally challenged.
Now we have a Ric Flair montage. I am seriously getting teary eyed. Watching Ric Flair with my Grandpa is one of my fondest memories as a child. WOOOOOO. This is so emotional. We have the Nature Boy versus the Showstopper.
Ric looks stunning in robes of deep blue with white feather trim.
This is a career threatening match. If Ric loses he must retire.
And introducing Shawn Michaels in a sleeveless sequin shirt. He looks ready to perform at Dick’s Cabaret or any bachelorette party. A part of me wishes he had assless chaps.
Skylar Gremillion here calling the action for you. Caitlyn Scott, overcome with emotion has passed the torch.
This match represents the ultimate in pro-wrestling. The legend, Ric Flair. A man who’s packed arena’s around the world and wrestled longer than I have lived is putting his career on the line against Shawn Michaels. At more than 60 years old Flair is an institution in professional wrestling.
The two men square off, Flair takes the lead early with a hammerlock. Michaels counters and the two exchange holds for a bit. Charles Robinson, also known as Lil Natch, is the ref, which is also appropriate.
Flair backs Shawn in the corner, and Michaels responds with a hard slap. Flair is bleeding from the mouth and fires away at HBK with several stiff chops. The two exchange chops in the corner. The crowd enthusiastically “Woo’s” with each chop by Flair.
This won’t be high flying, this won’t be technical, this is a fight.
Flair goes up top….this may not be good. Flair scores with a cross body block off the top, shades of his first NWA title win over Harley Race.
Michaels misses an Asai moonsault landing stomach first on the announce table outside the ring. The Ref is counting, HBK may not make it, but he rolls in at the count of 9. That spot will be shown on TV for years to come. Shawn may have broken ribs.
Flair attacks with a backdrop suplex, working the newly injured ribs of Michaels. He follows with a butterfly suplex . Flair scores with a vertical suplex and scores a nearfall.
Flair takes a tumble over the top and lands on his back. Shawn goes up again, nailing a moonsault off the top rope to the outside. He didn’t get all of it though, and I think HBK may have taken the worst of it.
They exchange stuff chops again. Michaels ducks out of it and responds with a diving forearm off the ropes.
Flair v. Michaels (continued)
Still Skylar:
Atomic drop by Michaels leads to a Flair flop. Michaels goes up top, looking for the elbow drop and it connects. He jumps up, but is clutching his ribs in pain. That Asai moonsault to the table really did it’s damage.
HBK’s looking for Sweet Chin Music, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t hit his idol with the superkick. Flair responds with a double leg takedown and the FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK. Jumbo Tsuruta, Nick Bockwinkle and other legends have all fallen to this move, but HBK makes it out.
The two exchange chops again, leading to a series of pinning combinations. Michaels reverses a knee breaker into a sunset flip, but his ribs are too damaged to take flair down.
Flair chopblocks HBK and begins to work on the legs, but Michaels reverses into a roll up. Flair escapes and locks in the figure four once more. Michaels is in the center of the ring, I’m not sure if he can make it to the ropes. HBK is screaming in pain, but makes it to the ropes in time.
HBK is safe for now.
SWEET CHIN MUSIC out of nowhere. Flair is down, this could be it. FLAIR KICKED OUT. TWO COUNT.
A replay reinforces the strength of the kick. I don’t know how Flair is still conscious.
HBK tunes up the band again, but flair is down.
Flair was faking and takes Michaels down with a low blow, which gets a 2.9 count.
Michaels takes flair down with a double leg and applies his own modified figure four, but flair makes it to the ropes. The buckle pad gives way but Flair gains control with a Greco roman eyepoke.
More traded chops. Another Sweet Chin Music and Flair is down.
HBK looks hesitant to kick Flair again. This is his childhood hero, can he end his career tonight?
A third Sweet Chin Music and Flair is done. 3 count and a fall.
With that last superkick HBK has put an end to the career of Ric Flair. Michaels can’t even face his icon and leaves the ring immediately, not even looking back at his fallen hero.
Flair has tears in his eyes and the crowd is on their feet.
Caitlyn Scott “ I feel like my favorite gladiator just got the thumbs down.”
I can’t even think of what to say. Flair hugs his kids and kisses his wife. There’s no speech, Flair walks to the back with tears streaming down his battle worn face.
Flair mouths “I love you, thank you” to the fans and takes a final bow.
We’re all fighting back tears. Neal Hebert is weeping.
Thank you Ric, you’ve never let me down.
Playboy Bunny Diva Showdown
Eric is back. No lying about tonight’s pyro display. Literally every orifice of the stadium just exploded into fireworks.
Next is the Playboy Bunny Lumberjack match, hosted by Master of Ceremonies Snoop Dogg. Snoop gets a shameless plug for his reality show, as he comes out struttin’ his stuff with the help of the divas. He’s driving a Mercedes Golf Cart with leopard interior and rims on the outside. He leads a trail of divas to the ring. I guess this is the only way to make people feel better about the retirement of Flair: gratuitous boobage. The consensus in the room is that Snoop is already stoned out of his mind. He gives a shout out to Flair with two Woo’s, then goes straight into the fa shizzle dizzle nizzle.
Coming out first are Ashley and Maria. The two have each been on the cover of Playboy twice, with Maria gracing the current cover. They immediately start grinding on Snoop, who just laughs.
Next out are Melina and the WWE Women’s Champion, the Glamazon, Beth Phoenix. The two are escorted by Santino Marella, the self proclaimed Italian Stallion. Santino and Maria have had tiffs leading up to tonight. Snoop is sitting in a giant throne on the outside, throwing up the West Coast sign. It’s mentioned that Shawn Michaels once posed for Playgirl, but it didn’t count because “he didn’t show his noonoo.”
We start with Ashley and Beth. Beth is convincingly mannish looking, as Melina gets tossed out of the ring and instantly surrounded by lumberjacks. She’s thrown back in, and it’s ten seconds before Melina gets a Bronco Buster from Maria.
Ashley is tagged in and pulls off a nice hurracanrana. Ashley gives Melina a nasty facebuster, but Melina takes charge and throws Ashley out. She is then tortured by the lumberjacks, who toss her back in. Melina throws Ashley into a Beth Phoenix bear hug. Melina is tagged back in, goes to the top of Beth Phoenix’s shoulders, then promptly backflipped onto Ashley.
Tags to Beth and Maria. The lights just went out, and no one knows what just happened. Spotlights are shown on the ring, as Beth and Maria continue to duke it out. Maria counters an arm stretch into a bulldog. Melina tries to hold Maria, but Beth inadvertently spears Melina off the top rope. Maria tries to pin Beth, but Santino pulls her off. Jerry “The King” Lawler walks over and right hands Santino, but Maria walks into a Fisherman’s Suplex from Beth Phoenix, who pins her for the win.
After the match, Santino gloats in the ring, but Snoop Dogg walks in and clotheslines the hell out of Santino, before making out openly with Maria. Solid match, gratuitous eye candy, and Snoop. What more could you ask for?
Randy Orton (C) VS John Cena VS Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship
Neal Hebert back, ready to blog.
Next up is John Cena v. Triple H v. Randy Orton (c)
This is a Triple Threat Match, where the first man to score a pinfall or submission wins the title.
John Cena just made his entrance: it was full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Cena is beloved by women and children, and is this generation’s Hulk Hogan.
Naturally, I despise him. I am old enough to remember Hulk Hogan, and I didn’t like him either.
Triple H is entering right now, and he looks like nothing so much as a real life Conan the Barbarian. This guy is ripped, and the lights make him look like his body is smeared in Preparation H. Daddy, Triple H is bad and we know it.
I mean, the guy was in Blade: Trinity for God’s sake.
Aside: my cats are really freaked out with so many people in my apartment.
The announcers just announced that this match is one fall to a positive finish – no pinfalls or submissions. Strangely enough, they remain silent on the fact that Triple H’s tiny pants are emblazoned with an Iron Cross.
And the champion Randy Orton is coming out. He looks like nothing so much as a fraternity boy with a penchant for slipping roofies to the ladies of Reggie’s.
I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality to note Randy Orton is a good looking man. Seriously.
One quick note before the action starts: John Cena is sporting blue jean shorts instead of tights. Caitlyn Scott hates them as much as I do. As another aside: Triple H and I have identical beards. This was not intentional.
The bell rings and we’re in the middle of the action. Orton starts by smashing Triple H in the face with his belt – there are no disqualifications, folks! They’re brawling on the outside, but alas it doesn’t last.
Skylar: “There’s irony in a bunch of guys kicking each other in the balls.”
Orton has taken control, and is throwing more knee drops than Harley Race in 1976. But all good things must come to the end, and they segue into a really contrived spot where they’re all in the same turnbuckle fighting on each others’ shoulders. Then they trade hard clotheslines, and make up for it.
Deep thought: If these guys start bleeding, would it show up on their heavily tanned bodies? I mean, they’re more orange than a pumpkin.
Orton has now taken control and is waiting for his moment to strike – but is countered by Cena. Cena takes it to the outside, but Orton counters and rams Cena’s head into a ring post.
Ouch.
But in the interim, Triple H has recovered and punishes Orton’s knee. That’s why they call Triple H “The Cerebral Assassin” – and by “they” I mean the WWE marketing and T-shirt department.
Stuff’s been happening too fast to type, but the result is John Cena has mounted the bare back of Randy Orton and wrapped his meaty biceps around Orton’s supple neck – and is squeezing for all he’s worth. But Triple H gets upset and makes them stop.
They’re flipping around, and Cena returns to Orton’s bare back. And Triple H again takes issue, but rather than breaking them up places Cena’s hand between his thighs and locks on the Crippler Crossface – a move used by former WWE Champion and family annihilator Chris Benoit. The room kind of gets quiet.
See, Benoit was my favorite wrestler for about ten years – same with Skylar. And when we heard he died, we watched the Monday Night Raw Tribute show and cried. Then we found out he killed his family, and this is the first night since then that I’ve watched wrestling and had fun. So this was kind of an unfortunate thing – one move kind of dissociated me from the experience and make me think about some stuff that, frankly sucks.
But they’ve moved past it in the ring, so I will too.
Triple H hits Cena with his finisher The Pedigree, but Orton runs in and soccer kicks Triple H’s head while Triple H was pinning Cena. Orton slid in and got a quick three count on Cena – who was already knocked out by Triple H.
Totally dick move from the bad guy champion, so I kind of dug it. It deflated the crowd a bit, though – no one expected Orton to win this match.
Floyd Mayweather VS Big Show
Caitlin Scott
Here we are with the classic David and Goliath story. In one corner we have Floyd Mayweather weighing in at not very much at all. Then we have Big Show weighing in at a bunch. Either Mayweather is going to get seriously hurt, or we are going to have a true underdog story. It’s like a rat terrier versus a pitt bull. But rat terriers can be mean.
They are calling Mayweather the greatest fighter in the world. I’m not so sure I agree with that one.
Big Show weighs 441 lbs. That’s big.
Now Floyd “Money” Mayweather is coming out while money falls from the sky. He’s actually making it rain. I wonder if he does that at strip clubs. He’s wearing a fur shirt and fur shorts and necklace that spells the word filthy as “philthy.” I feel like he might shoot me in a dark alley. He only weighs 159 lbs but his entourage is considerably larger.
I hate it when people spell things with a ph. It makes me angry, and you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
The philthy necklace has come off and the bell rings. Mayweather darts under Big Show’s first attempt. He might just run circles around Big Show until he gets dizzy and falls down. This kind of resembles a large grizzly bear trying to catch a rabbit. Mayweather has gotten some hits in, which is more than we can say for Big Show. Mayweather is now drinking from a blinged out chalice. Big Show just beat one of Mayweather’s posse.
Uh oh. Big Show has Mayweather but not for long. Now Big Show has him by the throat but Mayweather is quick to jump on his back and choke him. Big Show should just fall backward on him. This reminds of the scene in “The Princess Bride” where Westley jumps on Andre the Giant’s back and chokes him into submission. I wonder if Mayweather watched that film for inspiration.
Big Show steps on Mayweather’s arm. I wonder if he broke it and how much that arm is worth. Now Big Show is standing on Mayweather’s back as Mayweather screams in horror and pain that I cannot even imagine. His posse yells “You can’t be standing on him.” Apparently he can. And a sidewalk slam by Big Show.
Big Show stands on Mayweather again. I wonder how much longer this can go on.
The posse attempts to take Mayweather from the ring but Big Show is in pursuit. He’s throws members of the entourage by the wayside and drags Mayweather back. He looks like an abusive father with a naughty five year old. Mayweather’s entourage has tried sacrificing themselves for Floyd, but to no avail. They are not pro wrestlers. They will fall.
Mayweather has found himself a chair and beats Big Show with it.
Mayweather got himself some brass knuckles. This is shaping up to be bloody. I hope there’s blood. Big Show climbs for the ropes and Mayweather is declared the winner. David beat Goliath once again, and this time he didn’t even need a slingshot – just brass knuckles and a folding chair.
Undertaker VS Edge
Skylar Gremillion here. Attendance in Orlando is officially listed as 74,635, that’s a whole lot of folks.
Up next we’ve got The Undertaker defending his Wrestlemania streak against Edge. As it stands now the Undertaker holds the longest Wrestlemania win streak of 15-0. Edge, the Rated R Superstar looks to end that streak.
A video package details the storied history of the rivalry. There’s an ongoing bet amongst the attendees as to how long Taker’s entrance will take. We’re hoping for a hearse and druids.
We’ve got chanting and fire. No druids, lots and lots of fire though. Undertaker is wearing what can only be described as a leather studded dress. Professional wrestling is the only place where a man can walk out from a gaping hole of hellfire while wearing bondage gear and be cheered by thousands.
The entrance took around 4 minutes 20 seconds, short by Undertaker standards.
Edge makes his way down to the ring to the soothing sounds of some awful Nu-Metal band.
I must admit, I’m not looking forward to this match. Taker is looking a little long in the tooth and I’ve never been a big fan of Edge.
Edge and Taker trade shots early on, Edge bails to the outside but taker follows him out. Back in the ring Taker fires away on edge with some stiff body-shots.
Old School top rope walk by taker, Edge counters but Taker counters the counter with some sort of lucha arm drag thingie. Taker goes for a knee press in the corner, Edge dodges and Taker sails to the outside.
Edge works over Taker’s back. This is lackluster so far.
Edge with a neckbreaker, sending Taker back to the outside. You know, I love wrestling and all, but I think I may be nearing my saturation point. I’m not feeling this at all.
Edge nails a spear in the corner and follows it up with a series of punches. Edge goes up top and takes a hard bump to the outside. That had to hurt.
Taker dives over the top rope to the outside, you gotta hand it to the guy. He’s nearly 50 and keeps taking huge bumps like that.
TAG!
Freeman is back in!
Taker holds Edge, stomps to the stomach, and sets up for the Last Ride. His back didn’t give way, and Edge counters with a kick to the head and pin for a two count.
Now to the outside, as Edge backdrops Taker on top of the barricade, careening Taker into the crowd. Taker gets up and is rolled back in by Edge, who covers Taker for another two count. Now Edge works the submission, grabbing Taker’s leg in a twist. Taker reverses into a cradle, but Edge kicks out. Edge goes back on the leg, as the Ultimate Opportunist continues to apply the pressure. Taker gets back up, and counters Edge’s chop with a right hand. They exchange right hands, inspiring Yays and Boos from the crowd. Taker Irish Whips Edge into the corner and crushes twice for a splash. Taker hits Snake eyes, dropping Edge’s face on the top turnbuckle, but Edge counters with a missile drop kick.
Taker reaches for the chokeslam, but counters into a great DDT! Cover…two count. Amazing kick out.
Edge goes for the spear, but Taker reverses and hits the chokeslam. Cover…two count! Once again, amazing.
Taker grabs Edge’s arm and tries to go to the top rope for Old School, but Edge counters again, sending Taker’s groin straight onto the rope. Edge takes Taker’s head to the top, and sets up for the superplex. He hits it.
Skylar informs us that Neal, Caitlyn and I are tied for Wrestlemania picks. It all comes down to this match, as Caitlyn and I both picked Taker, while Neal picked Edge. Come on Taker!
Taker tries to set up Edge into the Last Ride, but Edge reverses into a sweet neck breaker. Taker gets back up and Last Rides Edge. But Edge kicks out!
Taker with the thumb across the throat, signaling it’s time for the Tombstone Piledriver. Edge counters again. He’s a countering machine! Edge covers, but only a two count again. This main event is living up to the hype.
Taker boots Edge in the face, and picks him back up, twists the arm, and goes to the top rope for Old School, but this time it connects. Taker runs to kick Edge in the face, but hits the ref. It’s about to get good.
Edge drops Taker with a DDT, and screams at him like a petulant child. Taker chokes him, but Edge kicks him in the balls without the ref watching it. Edge now goes outside and gets a video camera. He brings it back in and nails Taker in the head. The ref is still out, but Jimmy Corderas fell off the apron.
The Deadman sits up.
Edge mock chokes, and Edge tries to go for the Tombstone Piledriver, but Taker reverses into his own Tombstone. He covers Edge, but there’s still no ref. A blonde ref runs his ass off from the back into the ring to make the count, but Edge kicks out.
Edge’s two cronies run from the back, but Taker disposes of them quickly, then turns around into a spear from Edge. Taker kicks out, and Edge sets Taker up for another spear, and he hits it, but doesn’t go for the cover. Taker catches Edge in the triangle choke, the submission move that has made so many in the past bleed.
After an initial struggle, Edge taps out!
Undertaker is the new champion. He goes to 16-0 at Wrestlemania, and, most importantly, Neal is defeated. Caitlyn and I will split custody of the grand prize of our pool, Wrestlemaniac, an action thriller starring Rey Mysterio. Insane pyro goes off, as Taker cradles his new championship under a banner of fireworks. Thank you for tuning in to our blog, as we are treated to a post-Wrestlemania montage, easily the best part of Wrestlemania. Reveille Opinion Section out!
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